How to talk about the military

CW: PTSD, racism, death, war, sexism

…as a concerned citizen

You are sensible and considerate civilian and you truly care about military issues, but you are shy around the military.  However you want to be able to talk to military personnel in an informed manner.  If you do not know where to start, here are some suggestions to help you interact with current and former military the same way everyone else does.

The first thing you should do is to make sure that military personnel know that you get it.  Mention that you almost joined the Marines/Army, but you were too smart.  But if you took the ASVAB or almost made it through boot camp, so you are brothers.  Your uncle was a SEAL and this information is important.  Mention that you understand exactly what military members go through because you have a friend in the military.  Also, before you forget, thank the person for their service.  Pat yourself on the back for saying the thing that everyone says. 

Refer to all military personnel as soldiers.  Refer to the entire military as the Army.  Ask Navy personnel if being on ships is like that cruise you took.  Ask everyone in the Air Force what it’s like to fly planes.  Ask Marines what part of the Army that is.  Military personnel love explaining the same basic information to everyone.

Establishing common friends is often an important step in making new friends.  The active duty person you are talking to probably knows your friend Karen or Jim.  They definitely know your cousin Brad.  The one who is in the Coast Guard or the Navy or something.  You should find out if they have met.

It is important for people who are/were in the military to know that you care about the effects of international conflicts.  If a veteran or current military member went to Iraq, comfort them.  At least it wasn’t Afghanistan.  If they were in Afghanistan, tell them that they are lucky it wasn’t Iraq.  If they went to both, just remind them that they didn’t die.  You just gracefully consoled a veteran.  It’s that easy.

Ask them if they ever feel bad about going to the Middle East.  Also ask them if they missed seeing loved ones.  When people have a tough job, they will want to talk about it when you do.  It’s most pleasing to talk about intimate issues with someone you barely know.

If you are hilarious, ask people who deployed to the Middle East if they knew any sand niggers.  If you want to be extra funny, ask them if they fucked or killed any sand niggers.  The funniest thing you can ask is if they killed anyone.  It’s good to ask this of people that you just met.  Better if you assume they have and just ask how many.  Best if you ask them if they killed children.  Or tell them that they did and ask what it was like.  That will lighten the mood because people love killing other people so you can hear stories about it.  Request that they tell you about their scariest experience so that they know you care.

Help veterans who need perspective.  If a veteran has PTSD mention that they should be grateful to be alive.  You could mention that PTSD is all in their head.  And they should get out more.  Or tough it out.  Ask them if they have ever tried just not being angry.  Maybe they simply need a more positive attitude.  After all, they are home now, they should just stop thinking about war.  If you are a veteran’s boss, tell them they will need to get over it or lose their job.  Tell that veteran they should definitely stop drinking.  Because you understand and you care.

In aiding these veterans, mention that veterans get all sorts of preferential treatment.  They are entitled to free meals sometimes.  And just look how much attention homeless veterans get.  They must love having it so easy.  Show the world what real compassion is by dropping flowers on a popular tourist attraction an unnamed hero’s grave or visiting one for a couple of minutes.  Posting a picture on the Internet of people visiting a grave is true empathy.

It is no secret that military people love a good joke.  Good jokes include ones about sleeping with their partner while overseas.  People always get a kick out of that suggestion because they have never once worried that it could happen to them.  Ask if deployment was just like Call of Duty.  Tell them that they should be able to whoop your ass in that game.  You are just joking, so it’s cool.

 

If you want to be really funny yell “Incoming!” or “Boom!” near a veteran.  Screaming “Allah Akbar!” to mimic a terrorist is both hilarious and not offensive to anyone.  Yell “Contact!” because it was what military personnel actually say.  Drop a stack of books or slam a door behind them.  Play the sounds of an AK-47 as a surprise.  If you find a good rocket sound on the internet, prepare for laughs.  Their reactions are so priceless.

Make sure to courteously interact with veterans’ bodies.  Receiving a tap on the shoulder is a heartwarming gesture.  Especially if you maintain a respectful distance while doing it.  Ask if they are alright while touching them gingerly.  It’s good for veterans to feel you caring at them.  Petting someone is very humanizing.

Your intimate relationships with veterans require open communication.  If you are considering dating or hooking up with a veteran, ask if you can catch PTSD.  This conversation is important for adults.  If you are dating or married to someone in the military, mention that you sacrificed more than them.  Competition shows veterans that you respect them.

People in the military love their service being used to make political points.  If you are a brave online warrior, use the military as a prop in your daring crusade against feminists.  Realistic arguments are crucial.  For example, you could be hypothetically be drafted into our all-volunteer force.  Do not mention that you never volunteered or that women actually do.  Keep people well informed by pointing out that women shouldn’t be in combat because females have hormones and genitals.

It is important to care about women who serve by treating them like unicorns.  If a woman says she is a veteran, question her credentials.  This is especially important if you are a man who never served.  It’s not sexism because you know what veterans look like, and they don’t look like women.  Women falsely claiming to be veterans is a widespread issue.  Probably tens of people do this every year.

…as anyone in the media

Jingoisms should be your primary talking points.  Use phrases like support the troops or for queen and country.  Never try to explain what those sayings actually mean.  They are so general, they can mean anything!  As long as it supports something military people do.  Or any vague interest of your country.  It’s pretty simple.

In Hollywood, presenting a realistic version of military is easy.  Always show perfect discipline and obedience to orders in movies.  Arguments among NCOs or doubts regarding one’s mission should be nonexistent.  Never show lower ranking people coerced into unethical decisions, unless everyone is caught.  Do not show people in no win scenarios.

Death is a part of war that is best avoided in media coverage.  If a dead civilian accidentally makes its way onto the news, talk about our military tactics, not our government’s responsibility.  It as an isolated military error, not a reality of the warfare our state sanctions.  The boots on the ground should be blamed for the situation they are in.  Or chastise us on our inability to target properly.  The lesson here is that we need to aim bombs better.  These human lives are just collateral damage anyways.  Never show actual combat.

Accurate and inoffensive representation of our troops is important.  Make sure to represent modern military members as all homeless.  Better if you say that everyone has PSTD.  Homeless drunken vets suffering from PTSD are an accurate representation of our troops.

…as a military member

Sneer at members of other services.  It’s not like you are on the same side.  Take rivalry very seriously.  If you are forced to work with members of another branch make it difficult to get along with them.  Then complain that they are tough to work with.  Your branch’s bureaucracy makes more sense anyways.  When you are with your unit, talk about how inefficient it can be.  But at least it’s not as stupid as every other unit.  This is what pride means.

Critique people in other military occupations.  Everyone else made the wrong choice.  Besides, it’s not like we actually need transportation, communication, intelligence, supply, or infantry.  It really isn’t that important to work together.  It is very professional to make it harder for others to do their job.  These valuable assessments enhance one’s ability to accomplish their mission.

Loving everything about war is crucial to being in the military.  If a veteran or currently serving friend is not entirely pro-war, they are not a real Soldier.  They are a shitty Marine.  They automatically didn’t sacrifice anything.  They are a traitor for disagreeing with government policy.  Unless a government policy is something that you disagree with infringes on our freedoms.  Then applaud this person on their ability to see through government bullshit.  You are brothers again.

Cosmetic accuracy in movies and on TV is vital.  Those marines should have had M-16s.  The army uses different night vision goggles.  That pilot has uniform discrepancies.  These are the details that matter.  And even though you never experienced combat, you are certain that filmmaker gets it all wrong.

Make sure to not care what anyone thinks about you.  Use vulgar and offensive language in all social situations without discrimination.  These liberal pussies shouldn’t be so sensitive anyways.  Make sure to take offense or get visibly upset if someone refers to a military person as anything other than a hero.  If anyone gets called a hero for any reason other than serving in the military, be angry and remind people that the attention should be on you.  Because you don’t care what anyone thinks.