How to talk about fat people

CW: abusive language

…as a normal person

You are a caring individual.  In your ideal world everyone is safe, happy, and healthy.  That is why fat people bother you.  Nobody is satisfied being large and you need to tell them this.  The following suggestions will help you express your worries to fat people everywhere.

Mention that you care about fat people’s health.  Offer health tips, like be healthier.  And stop being fat.

Telling someone what is wrong with their body just shows that you care.  Concern is best expressed through spontaneous advice.  Express your concern for your fat acquaintance’s health frequently, in case nobody has noticed their body in the past hour.

State that fat people should eat less and move more.  That is the one piece of information they are lacking.  Dignify them if you see them outside by staring at them.  Better if you motivate them by shouting at them while jogging.  Best if you praise them with gestures depicting their size or struggle.    

If a family member is big, suggest that they join your gym.  Don’t bother asking if they are a member of one.  The evidence of them being fat proves they do not care about their health like you do.  At the gym, encourage them by saying that they will notice results soon.  The point of exercise is to become visually healthier.  But if you see a fat stranger, let them know that their presence does not help your fitness routine.

Assist people who unaware of what they are eating.  If you see a large person eating fast food helpfully explain to them that they are eating fast food.  If a fat person is eating nutritious food, let them know you are onto them.  Why are they pretending to eat healthy?

If you really care about a fat person, mention a diet program.  Any diet program.  Do not ask about their current eating habits.  Diets are healthy and, statistically speaking, diets work.  Talk about a change in eating habits.  It is good that you mentioned these things because nobody else has.  

 

Any individual’s largeness is actually about you.  You don’t want to see big people.  They hurt your eyes.  They have no business being at a public beach in swimwear.  They should be more considerate about existing in public space.  By not existing in public space.  And it is definitely their fault that you need to say something to them.  And take their picture.

You are not attracted to fat people.  This is the same as telling them this.  It is important that fat people know that you don’t want to fuck them.  To make sure they understand, mention that nobody will have sex with them.  If the fat person is a woman, inform her that the only way she can have sex is to be raped.  Tell them you would kill yourself if you looked like them.

Comment on pictures of larger people stating that these people are overweight or obese.  This is a medical fact because they appear big.  The state of one’s health is easily determined by a glance.  It’s how doctors do it.

If you know someone who is dating a fat person, ask them how it works.  It’s not like they can just have sex, right?  Your imagination cannot handle these thoughts. 

Tell attractive fat people that they have handsome features or a pretty face.  They could have so many dates if they lost a little weight.  Or compliment them.  Say they carry their weight well.  Their shirt is slimming.  If you have a friend who is fat, say they are not fat.  Because they are good looking.

Tell fat people that they would feel better and find clothes easier if they weren't fat.  Why doesn't this person care about department store sizes?  It is too bad that this person let them-self go.  You are sad for them.  You are worried about how other people judge them, that’s why you help them evaluate their situation.

Make products and advertisements that make everyone aware of how not skinny they are.  Everyone’s body is incomplete without losing some of it.

Refer to fat people as: tubby, fat-so, (beached) whale, pig, slob, sloth, wide load, smelly, elephant, thunder thighs, glutton, lard ass, porker, Buddha, bacon, sweaty, blimp, hog, blob, heifer, sow, (moo) cow, hideous, jumbo, fatty, Shamu, dumpy, hippo, gross, mammoth, enormous, chunky, massive, Jabba the Hut, cumbersome, corpulent, colossal, rotund, dirty, messy, and ugly.

…as a commentator/critic

If a public figure is big, question their credentials.  How could someone have a medical degree and be large?  Worry about their presence causing acceptance of people like them.  Talk about the fact that having a job where they are seen glorifies fat people as normal people. 

Reviews about a woman’s singing or acting should always include comments about their appearance or weight.  If a fat person does anything in Hollywood do not talk about their performance.  Focus on their unacceptable body.  But if a fat person is funny make sure everyone knows that it is because they are fat.  Unless they are too fat.

If a fat person can also do other things besides being themselves, this is noteworthy.  If they can dance, talk about how it defies physics and biology.  People who are fat and do normal things are unbelievable or shocking.  Or say they are a role model for being fat and doing their job.  It is incredibly brave to do that thing in a body like theirs.

When making political statements or drawings, use largeness as a symbol for the oppressor(s).  A bank or a corporation should be a massive person.  Or a person/pig hybrid.  Make sure that fatness implies being fat at the expense of others.  Large people and greedy people are synonymous.  Everyone knows that fatness is immoral.

…as a writer

Fat jokes are just funny.  So are fat characters in movies and on TV.  Everyone understands that we laugh at fat people, for being fat and doing fat things.  Use doughnuts or cake in your jokes.  If you want to be original mention fast food and gigantic portions.  Diabetes is a funny subject as well.

If you are writing fat characters, make sure they are slovenly.  Or villains.  Fat slovenly villains are best.  Make their fatness part of their downfall.  Villain or not, they should fall and fart.  More than once, so you know how fat they are. 

In your romantic comedy, make sure that drugs or magic turn fat people into skinny people.  This is what fools the protagonist into thinking that person is attractive.  Your main character should struggle to learn to love a fat person.  The lesson is to learning to ignore a person’s body.  This fat person needs to appreciate your protagonist’s hard work at liking them.  If any characters in your script are attracted to bigger people, this is a punchline.  Because that is ridiculous.

If the character is a man, there should be a joke about him having breasts.  Comparing men’s bodies to women’s bodies is the ultimate insult.  If the character is a woman, compare her to a man.  Only men are allowed to be whatever size they want.

If the character is fat and black, this should be extra funny.  They should be from the South.  They should eat fried chicken, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and any kind of corn.  At every meal.  And hit their fat kids.  Child abuse is only funny when someone is fat and black.  Make certain they yell a lot.  Loud gluttonous violent black people ensure a well-rounded cast.

…as a good person

In light of the body positive movement, make products and advertisements that target fat/curvy people by telling them they are real men/women.  They have real bodies, unlike skinny people.  Feeling good is great when you can make money off it.

As an enlightened journalist or company spokesperson you will help people move past fat shaming.  People being fat doesn't matter to you and everyone will know this.  Use advertisements or pictures featuring suggestive large women.  Use a modest title, such as: “This collection of powerful/inspiring photographs will smash/shatter stereotypes about fat people forever/immediately.”  Make sure that people see how revolutionary you are.  You are being so liberal right now.

If you are attracted to a fat person, say that it is because specifically because they are fat.  This way the person knows to be flattered by your benevolent attention to their normally disgusting body.  If a fat person is lucky enough to have sex with you, caress their belly so that they know their size isn't important to you.

If you are a medical professional, treat people’s fatness as the cause of all symptoms they are experiencing.  You do not need to investigate the symptoms.  A fat person’s condition automatically results from their body size.  A fat person with a sore throat needs to exercise more.  Losing weight should help with those allergies.

…as a born-again skinny person

Act the way you think a skinny person should act.  Convince fat people to try that new fitness program.  This one is the one will work, unlike those other bullshit ones.  Refer to fat people as lazy.  It’s fun to be on the other side now.

Food choices should be considered ethical behavior.  Say you were bad today because you ate a bad thing.  Offer condolences to fat people eating things they have no business eating.  They can always eat the anatomically correct food next time.  If a large stranger is shopping for produce or eating vegetables congratulate them for picking the right food.

Tell your story of triumph over the fatness to fat people.  Your personal measurements are helpful.  And look how good your self-image is now!  Make sure everyone knows that your self-esteem is amazing.  That’s why you keep saying it.

If you want to inspire people, show them how fit you are.  Start a page/blog/site where you post pictures of your awesome results.  The people need your sexy inspiration.  And post many quotes about hard work, perspiration, and happiness.  Because you care.